terrificāre
by loosingletters
Summary: to terrify [verb, tĕr′ə-fī′]. (1) To fill with terror; make deeply afraid. (2) To drive or force by arousing fear. Gavin was eighteen when the first Kaiju attacked, destroying three cities before it could be killed. The Pacific Rim AU nobody wanted but you get either way.


**_Summary:_**

 ** _to terrify [verb, tĕr′ə-fī′]_**  
 ** _1\. To fill with terror; make deeply afraid_**  
 ** _2\. To drive or force by arousing fear_**

 ** _Gavin was eighteen when the first Kaiju attacked, destroying three cities before it could be killed._**

 ** _The Pacific Rim AU nobody wanted but you get either way. I saw that the prompt for the second day of Reed800 week was "AU". I was going to write just a short story, maybe a 1.000 words but this AU did not want to be contained. Connor's 3 years younger than Gavin here by the way._**  
 ** _Also, I would dedicate this to my sweet summer child but I fear you'd judge me for having written this in the first place._**  
 ** _Enjoy!_**

* * *

Gavin could still remember the first time he saw a Kaiju in vivid clarity. He had been on his way to visit his dumbass of a brother, eighteen and high on the feeling of freedom. He had packed all of his belongings into one suitcase, only mildly disappointed that he could fit his whole life into such a small bag, and left his parents' house shouting as many curses as he could.

Nowadays it felt unreal how easily he could recall the bright neon yellow color of the bus he had stepped into or how much he had sweated due to the faux leather covering the seats. He had been wearing red headphones, listening along to the summer charts when the bus had taken a sharp turn right, forcing Gavin's head roughly against the glass window. He had barely had any time to comprehend what was going when everybody started screaming, crying and pointed out of their windows to the massive monster crawling out of the shore in some distance.

Gavin had been eighteen when he had learned what it meant to be terrified.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, six years of war against aliens from another dimension didn't help Gavin become any less terrified, he had just learned how to hide it better and how to pretend he wasn't scared shitless whenever a new Kaiju escaped the Breach and wrecked havoc in another city. However, it did make Gavin feel better to know he was engineering the machines humanity used to fight back.

His Jaegers were powerful and efficient. And yes, they were _his_ , even if Elijah was the one who had come up with their designs. His brother wasn't the one who spent hours putting the machines together after they had been designed and spent even more time fixing them after their reckless pilots got hit one too many times during their fights. Gavin had never been a genius quite like Elijah, who could think of ten technological revolutions at the same time, but Gavin was smart and had always learned fast with the right motivation. Staring in the face of death when you were eighteen and knowing that you would have died, hadn't you left your parents' home, had been all the motivation Gavin could have ever needed.

It fueled him today as much as it had that October afternoon when he had kept running until it was far past midnight and he had finally reached Elijah's door, with the Kaiju's screams still chasing every step he took.

Sometimes he imagined that he could still hear the horrible sounds _Trespasser_ had left in its wake.

In nights like that, Gavin was thankful he was the head of the Jaeger Engineers. Nobody could tell him to stop working on his Jaegers when he couldn't sleep because he was their boss and Gavin had damn well earned himself that position.

His method of coping probably wasn't the healthiest, but at least it was productive, and who the hell cared in a world gone to hell? They were always short on staff and needed someone to mend the cracks in a Jaeger back together.

It wasn't even particularly difficult, as long as you knew how the Jaeger was supposed to look and work. Gavin rarely found himself stuck not knowing how to fix what the Kaiju and the Rangers had done to a Jaeger.

Tonight, however, Gavin had to admit that he was outmatched.

"What the phuck!?" He cursed when he saw the damage done to the newly delivered Jaeger. "What the hell did they do to it?"

The Jaeger they were bringing to his hanger wasn't much of a weapon anymore, but rather a junkyard. Its right arm was entirely gone, as well as the left half of the Jaeger's head. Most of the torso was slashed open as well and, if Gavin were a lesser man, he'd fucking weep. This was supposed to be Zen Garden, one of the fastest and best running Jaeger there was, not Zen Spare Parts Depot.

"Haven't you seen the news yet?" One of the mechanics who had delivered the Jaeger asked him.

"I've been a bit busy," Gavin snarled. "Preparing for, you know, the arrival of a Jaeger and managing the others."

The guy's eyes widened a bit as he held his hands up in what Gavin assumed was supposed to be a placating manner. Maybe Gavin should really start wearing the uniform that had his rank sewn onto the back so that people would stop undermining his authority. He was young, not stupid.

"I just thought- 'cause damn, it's bad. A Category Three smashed Zen here to pieces in Alaska. The older Stern boy killed the Kaiju by himself and carried her back to the beach on his own."

Gavin knew the Stern twins, though he had never met either of them personally. Being unaware of the world's most celebrated Rangers was hard. Connor and Richard Stern had the highest kill count with a remarkably low number of civilian causalities. He had seen them fight, they were formidable and ruthless in a way the other Rangers couldn't emulate. If Gavin were to guess, it had something to do with their incredibly high drift compatibility. Elijah had bragged so much about their success as their Jaeger had been one of the last his brother had designed on his own before taking over as the K-science commander. _Those Stern boys will make sure we'll have enough time_ , Elijah had said.

Gavin's thoughts came to a stop.

"What do you mean he killed it on his own?"

The mechanic grimaced. "The Kaiju attacked the cockpit and, as you can see, ripped out the left side. Richard Stern died in the process. Conner killed the Kaiju and maneuvered Zen her back on his own. He's still in coma and-"

The mechanic looked down, fidgeting with his fingers.

"And what?"

"They're not really expecting him to recover. Even if he'll survive, he was still in the Drift when his brother died and he piloted Zen alone. Drifting on your own is bad enough, but the neural backlash of witnessing death? As far as I know, he doesn't even have family left besides Richard- well. Uhm. I just mean, who wants to survive that?"

Who wants to survive that indeed. Gavin had drifted more than just a few times when Elijah was still testing out the technology, and he had probably gained some sort of shitty backlash from it, but it had been soothing. As much of an unpredictable dick his brother could be and had become since the war had started, Gavin had enjoyed being close to Elijah, and they hadn't even had the drift compatibility needed for Rangers.

There was a reason why promotion trials for two Rangers started at the academy every time only one Ranger died. It was almost impossible to repair a working Ranger pair.

 _Thank you for your service_ , Gavin thought and started making plans for Zen Garden's repair. Silently he wondered when the message of Connor Stern's death would hit the news as well. He kept an eye out for it, yet it ever came.

* * *

Ten years into the Kaiju war and Gavin was still terrified, but these days his anger usually won out when he had to decide what emotion he wanted to show the world. When he had been younger, he, like every other proper American, would have definitely stood up to fight for democracy any time. Nowadays though, Gavin couldn't help but think that perhaps it would be the best idea to kick democracy in the ass and tell those UN fuckers what he really thought about them.

"They cut our budget again!" He shouted in greeting upon sitting down at the cafeteria table.

"Good morning to you too, Reed," Tina Chen said, not even looking up from her breakfast.

She was balancing her spoonful of cornflakes with her right and while her left arm was occupied with holding little Damian Miller, sleeping peacefully despite all the noise surrounding him.

"There's nothing good about this morning. How's Chris holding up?"

Tina happily kept munching on her deluxe breakfast. Only injured Rangers got to have unhealthy sugary sweet food instead of the carefully rationed healthy protein mush. Obviously, Tina was god-sent because she let him steal a mouthful.

"He's catching up on sleep. Damian kept him awake all night and without Heather around to help him out, Chris is pretty drained. I'm almost glad that I broke my leg. At least that way we won't have to pilot for another week."

Gavin hummed in acknowledgment and took a sip of his coffee. He had heard that they were going to shorten everybody's coffee supply soon as well and he was determined to enjoy every damn drop of coffee he could have until then.

"And when you're all healed up, Blue Shot will be waiting for you. You're so lucky he broke before anybody told me I need to get more creative with the reparations. He might be the last Jaeger I get to repair without relying entirely on scraps."

Not that Gavin wasn't already forcing everybody to recycle as much as they could. Keeping Jaegers in shape was expensive and without the UN backing, hard times lied ahead.

"It's become that bad?" Tina asked.

"They're shutting down the only other Shatterdome, our budget got cut in half or something, and we're down to five Jaegers, of which only four are actually functional and have pilots."

It's been four years and the state-of-the-art Jaeger prototype Zen Garden still lacked pilots. Gavin had repaired her to the best of his abilities back when they had still had recourses. Connor Stern, however, had vanished from the face of the Earth and Elijah's stupid programming had tuned the Jaeger to the Sterns' neural wavelength. It was genius and made piloting the Jaeger much more natural for its Rangers but impossible to handle for anybody else. The amount of reconstruction it would take to reconfigure the Jaeger, wouldn't be worth the effort. Maybe they could use her parts to repair the other Jaegers down the road.

"Earth to Gavin?"

Tina was waving her hand in front of Gavin. "You spaced out."

"Yeah, well, some of us have to think about important stuff."

The Ranger clicked with her tongue and punched his side with the back of her spoon. The hard edge of the metal would undoubtedly leave a bruise.

"So mature," Gavin said with a look, rubbing over the injured spot. By the time he had finished his breakfast, Chris had managed to crawl out of bed and join them. He had taken one look at Gavin and Tina sitting at the breakfast table and immediately claimed his usual spot opposite the duo and was perfectly fine with letting his friends hold his son a little while longer.

* * *

As always, the Jaeger hanger was busy. You could walk into the room in the middle of the night and wouldn't notice any difference to the shifts around lunchtime. Today though, a few more dozen people were running around, many of them bearing the uniform of the Anchorage Shatterdome. Now that it had been officially shut down, most of its personnel had followed the dome's Jaegers to Hong Kong.

Gavin looked around, hoping to catch sight of the Anchorage head mechanic or its General. Trying to find anybody specific in this mess though, was like searching for a needle in a haystack. After a few minutes, Gavin decided to give it up and just grabbed the nearest Anchorage worker to ask for directions.

"Hey, you!" Gavin shouted as he reached for the blonde's arm. "Do you know where your head mechanic and boss are? I've got some questions about your Jaegers."

The Anchorage worker stopped in his tracks and turned around.

Gavin knew that face. That was Simon Manfred, the second pilot of Freedom March, one of the Anchorage Shatterdome's Jaegers that had moved to Hong Kong. The blonde was a well-liked pilot, especially since he was easy on the eyes. That had been great for marketing. Those baby blue eyes had bought Gavin a new cauterizing weapon for Blue Shot.

"You're Gavin Kamski," the Ranger said, probably not the most awake going by his eye bags.

"It's Reed actually," Gavin replied hastily. "Your mechanic and General. Do you know where they are?"

"Sure, I can take you. I'm Simon Manfred by the way."

"I know."

Simon led Gavin criss-cross through the hanger, greeting people left and right with a tired but charming smile. It took ages and by the time Simon had settled for a final destination – it was his own Jaeger, the guy sure could have just said so and avoided spending so much of Gavin's scarce time – he was sure that everybody was probably already gone. To his surprise though, Gavin could make out Marshal Fowler and Elijah talking to a group of Anchorage workers.

As soon as he spotted them, he ditched Simon to hurry to the group. He needed to know how much of his own stuff he'd have to spare for the Jaegers and how much the Anchorage crew had brought with them. The closer Gavin got, the more did he catch of the conversation.

"- I'm telling you only one more time, Kamski: Keep your fucking fingers away from my people. They'll stay right where they are and you don't get to rummage around in their brains."

Great, apparently Elijah had already managed to piss the other General off. That was so typical for his brother, he couldn't just keep his bullshit to himself.

"General Anderson, I'm just saying-" Elijah began again only to be interrupted.

Served him right.

"No, you're not saying anything!" General Anderson shouted.

The man had aged poorly since the last time Gavin had seen him. Thick wrinkles marked his face and his disgustingly long gray hair hang loose. Gavin remembered the man with dirty blonde hair wearing a uniform. The civilian clothes and the kid clinging to his leg were a new addition.

"Andy," Fowler finally involved himself in the conversation, addressing the man by a nickname like it was the most natural thing in the world. Gavin silently wondered what he had missed.

"Don't 'Andy' me, Jeffrey. I'm not letting Connor go through compatibility tests and that's final. Don't even try to pull your rank on me."

Fowler looked like he was ready to start a shouting match, he certainly had the temper for it; however, it seemed to be held back by an even stronger iron will and the presence of the kid clinging to Anderson's leg. The couple Rangers standing behind Anderson with grim expressions probably helped as well, but Gavin had seen Fowler stare down their Rangers, so he wasn't willing to bet on that.

"Fine, but he better make himself useful. Kamski, a word," Fowler said and promptly marched away from the conversation, passing Gavin without a word. Elijah nodded in acknowledgment and moved to walk side by side next to the Marshal.

Everybody's gaze followed the two until they disappeared in the masses, which automatically made Gavin the next best source of interest. Wasting no time, and wanting to move on from that awful conversation he probably had no business witnessing, Gavin immediately spoke up.

"General Anderson-"

"What do you want?"

Gavin could feel his pulse rising, but vowed to not let it best him. He had a job to do, lives to secure and he wasn't going to let some old man stop him.

"I'm Gavin Reed, the head mechanic here. I wanted to ask you if you could forward me all info on the Jaegers Freedom March and Night Riot."

Anderson took a deep breath and looked up to Freedom March, who was slowly cut loose by a bunch of workers.

"Connor! Get your ass down here, some mechanic has questions."

"Coming!" Someone shouted back and soon after one of the lifts tied to the Ranger began to sink downwards.

 _Impossible_ , was the first thing that hit Gavin's brain as soon as he registered that it was the Anchorage head mechanic that stepped out of the lift. His bright yellow uniform was cleaner than any shirt Gavin had ever worn in the last ten years, not a single drop of dirt on what was supposed to be his work outfit. Hell, even the patches declaring the man an ex-Ranger, the head mechanic and Anchorage employee shined like they were brand-new. The bright red beanie he was wearing clashed horribly with the outfit, and it only seemed to further attract attention to the ugly scar it was probably meant to cover up, but currently failed to hide entirely.

And Gavin couldn't help but stare at the mark, unable to properly comprehend what he was seeing.

"You asked for me, Hank?" Conner Stern asked, looking quite alive and not at all like the nervous traumatized wreck Gavin had expected.

Well, fuck.

* * *

Between getting the Jaegers settled in and helping Tina and Chris with little Damian, Gavin had managed to stay busy. Both Jaegers were damaged and not ready for combat at the moment until they got them adequately fixed, but those repairs were only delayed by the lack of machinery. They had everything on site they needed to get the Jaegers fixed, just a slight lack of tools. At the end of the week they'd be operational again and until then they'd just have to hope that no Kaiju arrived. While Kara and Luther, the Rangers of Cheshire Alpha, could fight, they'd need back up and Tina and Chris might be superficially healed, but the strain of piloting a Jaeger would throw them back to square one.

Never mind that Gavin wasn't keen on his best friends risking their lives while they weren't totally fit. All his worries didn't exactly help his mood, but they did keep him overworked and continuously occupied which in turn stopped him from thinking about Connor Stern too much. If Gavin could help it, he wouldn't spend any time in the other man's company, but unfortunately, they had to work together, spending hours upon hours comparing notes.

Gavin was always waiting for the man to snap, to suddenly reveal the horrors he must have lived through, yet he was nothing but polite and welcoming. Sure, he wasn't sharing any details about himself, but Stern was the biggest contributor to their small talk and it pissed Gavin off.

"And it's much harder to navigate this Shatterdome. Anchorage was much more straightforward."

"That's really great," Gavin replied. "Have you found a way to repair Freedom's balancing? It works the way it is right now, but it could be better."

"I thought we could make his right leg heavier. It's not exactly an ideal solution, but it's the only one that would work long term."

Stern's suggestion was quite barbarian, but Gavin didn't have time to think about a better option, as his thought process was roughly interrupted by the high pitched siren announcing the arrival of a Kaiju.

"Category Four Kaiju sighted near Hong Kong. The Jaegers Cheshire Alpha and Blue Shot Ranger will be deployed. Rangers, go to your hangers."

Gavin and Stern shared one look before they both took off, running towards the LOCCENT Mission Control. By the time they arrive, both Jaegers were already on their way to the Kaiju. Gavin never told his friends goodbye, it made him think about how final every Drop could be.

Gavin spent the next hours doing coffee runs with Damian perched on his hip, while Alice and Cole – that was apparently Anderson's kid's name – actually carried the hot beverage to Mission Control, all while calculating the repairs he'd have to do.

* * *

Cheshire Alpha had only sustained minor damages and her Rangers were healthy enough to still embrace their daughter once they were out of the Jaeger.

Blue Shot, on the other hand, looked like it had just barely survived a massacre only to go through hell afterward. Gavin hadn't been there when the first aid unit had carried Tina and Chris out of the Jaeger. He'd already been busy pulling Zen Garden's blueprints apart, trying to find a way to make the Jaeger operational again.

They needed the manpower, and he'd be damned if he let something as minor as a wavelength tuned Jaeger stop him. Besides, they had one alive Stern. That should be enough.

* * *

"Stern!" Gavin knocked against the metal door. "Open up, Stern!"

He hit the door again, quite uncaring about the ruckus he had made. He needed to talk to ex-Ranger right now.

"Open the phuck up, dipshit!"

The alcohol clouding his mind sure did a great job of bringing back his old lisp. Unfortunately, it hadn't taken much of Elijah's secret for-the-victory alcohol stash to get Gavin drunk enough to come to the brilliant conclusion that he absolutely needed to talk to Connor Stern.

And finally, after another round of knocking, Stern opened the door, for once not wearing his uniform. Instead, he was dressed in an oversized hoodie and shorts, looking so unlike himself. His beanie was missing as well, exposing the huge scar on his right temple, which seemed to disappear in his messy brown hair.

"Reed," Stern greeted him. "Can I help you with something?"

"Yes! Yes, of course, you can. You gotta tell me something, smartass."

Stern frowned and mustered him with his awfully pretty brown eyes. "You're drunk."

"Only a little bit," Gavin said, waving the comment off. It wasn't important that he was drunk. He had much more significant stuff to discuss.

"Stern, you gotta tell me how you made it out of Alaska. 'Cause- you got the brain of a dead man still in there, don't you. I'm not stupid. That shit phucks you up, yet here you are acting like it's all fine and dandy and it pisses me off. There are people out there dying. My friends are comatose, dipshit, and he has a toddler to raise and you're still here standing like nothing ever phucking happened to you."

The words just kept dropping out of his mouth, one after another and Gavin couldn't find his usual filter. He was curious, he wanted to know how Stern could stand here while his friends risked their lives over and over again, even though they had so much more to lose.

"Why the hell aren't you out there fighting, Stern?"

Gavin didn't see the fist coming, but he was quite happy to indulge in the brawl. Anything, to take his mind off the friends in the med bay and the mountain of work in front of him.

* * *

When Gavin woke up, Elijah was sitting next to his bed, his nose buried in his files. He was wearing glasses for once and looked much more like the brother Gavin remembered from his childhood. With a groan, Gavin tried to sit up, the memories of yesterday evening returning at full force.

"Shit."

"Eloquent as always, Gavin," Elijah commented, still not looking up from his work.

Gavin knew that nonchalant attitude. He'd been at the receiving end of it often enough to know that Elijah was ready to guilt trip Gavin into everything he wanted from him.

He buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. He needed to calm the fuck down before he lost his calm again and made yet another mistake.

"Spit it out, Eli."

Elijah took that as his cue to finally put away his papers and turn to Gavin.

"I'd avoid any of the Anchorage Rangers for now, as well as General Anderson. They aren't exactly fond of you right now."

Yeah, right. Gavin could have figured that one out by himself. He had probably broken Stern's nose and it was no secret that the man's coworkers were slightly protective of him.

"Thanks, genius. Wouldn't know what to do without your wisdom."

Elijah just leaned back in his chair and gave Gavin a look that made him wish he could turn back time and stop himself from ever getting into a fight with Stern, and ending up getting berated by his older brother like he was a child again.

"What else do you want to tell me?" Gavin asked.

He was more than just done. He wanted to get as far away from his brother as he could and tinker away on his Jaegers.

"Since Connor didn't report you, officially you stepped on nobody's toes. Fowler did take it upon himself to donate your week's coffee supply to Stern as a sign of good will."

Again, no surprise to Gavin – he kind of did deserve it, even if Stern had thrown the first punch. Gavin's words had been far from kind. He'd let his anger and frustration get the better of him. Babysitting crying Damian until one of the nurses had taken him off Gavin hadn't been good for his mental health as well.

"Great, I'll get back to work then. Go have fun tormenting your poor minions."

Gavin got off the bed, ignoring his massive hangover, as well as Elijah still sitting there, and started picking up clothes that didn't look too dirty.

"You might want to know that Connor has been working with C.H.L.O.E. ever since he got here. While it isn't ready to fully simulate a drift yet, it works well enough. Anderson was against it, but Stern insisted. He wanted to make himself more useful again. After all, there's no need for two head mechanics here."

For once in his life, Gavin had actually been wrong with his morning predictions. Waking up hungover after a fight without coffee could get worse – by knowing that all the accusations he had made had actually been wrong.

* * *

For the next days, Gavin stayed clear of Stern. They'd gotten far enough in their previous discussions that they didn't need to talk even more about how they were going to fix the Jaegers. Blue Shot was pretty much out of commission now, so they could use his parts to repair Freedom March and Night Riot – and that just at the right time as well. The siren rang again, they turned back the clock and another Kaiju was fought.

Thankfully that one was taken down fast enough for both Ranger pairs to return in good health. Gavin was more than just thankful for that. They couldn't afford to lose another Jaeger so soon, especially now that the Kaiju attacked more and more often.

However, even if they could mark down one more victory in their history, which might not continue on for much longer, everybody was much too aware of the fact how close they were to extinction. The storage of sleeping pills Gavin as quite fond of raiding had dropped rapidly, and still, nobody began to look less tired and exhausted.

Stern seemed to be one of those who had adopted eye bags as a permanent feature to his face. He looked like he could drop dead any second and it didn't sit well with Gavin that he was at least partially guilty for it. He hadn't known Stern had been trying to start drifting again, that he'd been training with Elijah's AI C.H.L.O.E.. Stern, of course, hadn't advertised it either with Anderson's disapproval of the whole attempt as a whole, but would it have killed him to say something? No wonder he'd let Gavin keep organizing everything, with his secret background training going on. But still, he'd been busy enough – where had he found the time to do some extra training?

His conscious was tearing at him and whatever sort of screwed morality Elijah had raised him with, was telling him that he needed to apologize to Stern. It was the right thing to do – although Gavin really didn't want to go anywhere near him. He wasn't even sure if Stern would want to see him.

Unfortunately, Chris and Tina were still unconscious, so all he had were their nagging voices in his head telling him that he should apologize. His real friends would have definitely sided with him and tell him he didn't need to do this. Gavin was sure of it.

Nevertheless, once again in the middle of the night, Gavin knocked on Stern's door. This time feeling much to sober to have this kind of talk.

Stern opened the door already after the first time Gavin banged his fist against the metal. He had kind of hoped that Stern would ignore it – or maybe just smack the door right back into his face.

But no, of course, the man had to be difficult and actually ask Gavin what he wanted like they hadn't beat the living daylights out of each other. Stern's height worked to his advantage now as well as he could stare down on Gavin with that calculating look of his. Gavin hated it. It made him nervous, directed all his attention on those brown eyes rather than the words he was stumbling through.

"I'm here to uh- apologize for what I said. And for breaking your nose. That wasn't nice. Unphuck you or whatever."

"That was the worst apology I've ever heard," Stern said after a brief moment of silence and then his mouth did something that reminded Gavin of a smile. "My brother would have liked it."

* * *

Gavin had never been great with other humans, must run in the family or something, because he didn't get why the hell Stern – "Call me Connor" – was nice to him now. The rest of the Anchorage crew still gave Gavin the stink eye whenever they saw him pass by.

They didn't even try to be subtle about it.

He could be sitting in the cafeteria, right next to Connor, and somebody would glare at him. The brunet didn't seem to notice though. Whether that was a benefit or a disadvantage Gavin hadn't figured out yet.

"This is good," Connor commented, moving his food around and inspecting it.

"It's the cafeteria food. How good can it be?"

Gavin hadn't meant to make a dumb joke. He still didn't know why Connor was spending time with him now, outside of work even. He didn't get it, he felt like he was missing three lives worth of clues to figure it out.

But it actually was fun to spend time with Connor who laughed about jokes that used to be funny ten years ago and didn't mind sharing his coffee, doing coin tricks for the few kids in the Shatterdome and sticking to Gavin's odd hours.

They were bonding and it freaked Gavin out.

"You gotta wake up soon, Tina," he told his best friend when he visited the two of them one morning. "I don't know what to do."

Despite his pleading though, neither she nor Chris woke up to suddenly give him the life advice he needed. They didn't even open their eyes. Life wasn't fair.

* * *

Gavin was busy trying to find the most profitable way to salvage Blue Shot when Connor entered their office, which was really only the closest spare room there was to the main hanger. Gavin hadn't needed a proper office, just somewhere close by he could drop his blueprints and schematics without anybody messing them up. Connor hadn't minded as he had immediately claimed one cramped tiny desk for himself.

"Hank finally approved of letting me back into a Jaeger. I'll spar with some possible matches later."

Connor casually dropped the statement while giving Gavin his cup of coffee. Understandably, it took Gavin a second to comprehend what the other had said.

"What?"

"We need to get Zen Garden running since Blue Shot is done for," Connor explained. "Even Hank can't argue against that."

As far as Gavin could tell, Connor looked- well he seemed happy about it, but not as cheery as he would have expected. "That's great. When will your trials begin?"

"Around four. Do you want to watch?"

Gavin had a hundred other things, more important things, he should be doing. Dismantling Blue Shot, apparently also checking over Zen Garden, minor repairs on the other Jaegers…

"Sure," he replied and that was all they said about it for the next hours as they went back to doing their work.

* * *

Watching Connor fight against his possible future co-pilots was boring enough that by the third time Gavin sat there, watching, he had taken his files with him. All the applicants weren't bad so to say, they could pull off some exciting and badass moves with their staffs, Gavin had to admit. But they weren't good enough for Connor. Matches like this were supposed to look like a dance, a steady shift of giving and taking between the two Rangers. But not one applicant had gotten even close to giving back some of the pressure Connor was putting on them.

They all lost or yielded soon enough when they realized they couldn't keep up with him. One by one they fell even faster as Connor became more frustrated and his opponents lost their drive.

"None of them will be able to match him."

Gavin took great pride in the fact that he did not scream when so suddenly addressed. He merely flinched and dropped a few of his papers.

"Elijah," he hissed. "Don't do that creepy shit."

His older brother smiled unapologetically like always and sat down next to Gavin. Elijah looked way too fashionable for somebody working in a grimy Shatterdome. He had his hair up in a messy bun and wore a white sweater that had no business being this clean.

"How many candidates has Connor tested yet?"

"Twenty-five," Gavin answered immediately. "He hasn't lost a single time yet."

"Predictable. I told Anderson that his candidates wouldn't present a fitting match for Connor. They can't push back with the same strength."

"Then why continue on if there's nobody who will be able to drift with him?"

Elijah leaned forward and he watched Connor's every move as intensely as Gavin had before. Connor took down his opponents fast and directly. All openings he had, he closed before the other fighters could even spot them.

"I didn't say that there was nobody for him to drift with."

* * *

The longer the test fights continued, the more frustrated Connor got. He played around more and more with his annoying silver coin and Gavin almost regretted snapping at him so often. But as entertaining as the coin tricks were, they were getting on his nerves, especially when he had to focus.

"Alright, that's enough," Gavin said.

He pushed himself off his chair and walked over to Connor, who had been throwing his coin from one hand to the other for what felt like ages now while he was studying Zen Garden's machinery. Connor flipped the coin again and Gavin snatched it right out of the air, only then catching Connor's attention. Trust the brunet to be so deep in his thoughts that he wouldn't notice Gavin standing right next to him.

"Can I help you with something, Gavin?"

It still caught Gavin off guard that they were on first name basis nowadays.

"Nope, but I can help you. Get up, we're going outside."

Connor stared at him in confusion, but stood up either way and followed Gavin through the Shatterdome's tunnels towards the highest point of the building. In the eastern sector, not too far away from the med bay, there was an abandoned room that used be full of weapons. Gavin liked to come here because of the helicopter landing spot attached to the end of the room. From there you could overlook the whole Shatterdome and had a pretty sweet view of the night sky as well.

Gavin said nothing as Connor looked around, holding onto the railing and staring at the stars.

"It's nice here."

"I come here to think. Nobody else does."

He hadn't exactly planned for what he wanted to do once he had dragged Connor out of their office. The empty space between the two of them seemed so awkward and suffocating as neither really knew how to start this conversation.

Gavin had never been one for delicate subtlety, he ran head first into every problem, often causing more trouble than he should. However, knowing his flaws had never stopped him before from messing up either way.

"Why were you so nice to me so suddenly?" Gavin asked. "All I did was insult you."

Connor seemed as surprised as Gavin that he had actually asked that question. Then he began to laugh like Gavin had just told the funniest joke there was.

"Well, nobody else ever does that nowadays. They are all too afraid I'll break down again. It was a close call after Richard's death."

And now that Gavin had opened that particular can of worms, Connor only seemed to be able to keep talking.

"I hadn't wanted to continue. I couldn't think of anything but that emptiness in my mind that used to be occupied by him, and when I fell asleep and dreamt, it was always about that last mission. I only ever thought about how I had to finish that mission and that death had felt so cold and lonely and dark. And it wasn't like anybody expected me to get on my feet again. It seemed like they were all just waiting for me to end it myself."

"What changed?"

"Cole, surprisingly. He was just a toddler and had caught a fever. I can't remember why exactly they put him in my room, probably because everybody else was actually injured and I was only… mentally unstable. Cole kept crying the whole time because nobody else was there. Hank was busy, and nobody actually had time to watch over Cole, so I did. I kept him company, he stopped crying and- and I fulfilled my new mission. That's what Richard and I had always been taught. Fulfill your mission. Don't fail. Everything's much easier if you keep thinking like that. I started watching Cole when nobody else could. I helped out with repairs, I tried to make myself useful again and everybody praised me for the simplest things because at least I was still standing."

Connor sounded so bitter, his words were so harsh and full with sharp edges. Gavin couldn't imagine what it must have been like to continue on with everybody staring at you in wonder, waiting for you to finally snap. Hell, he had used to look at Connor like that, thinking that the man must be broken beyond repair behind that façade of smiles.

"But it's not enough for you, is it?"

Connor's hands were shaking and absentmindedly he reached in his pants' pocket, pulling out a familiar silver coin. Gavin was pretty sure that most of the time Connor didn't even notice he started playing with it when he was nervous or tried to focus.

"It's not fighting in a Jaeger," Connor agreed.

It was never truly silent in a Shatterdome. Helicopters were starting and landing, commodity was pushed around and somebody was always shouting. People were busy, even at night, and made a lot of noise. Gavin had learned to ignore in the past years, but tonight he couldn't seem to push those sounds to the back of his mind.

"Gavin, we should go back inside-"

"Drift with me," Gavin said before he could stop himself. He hadn't meant to say that. Gavin had entertained the thought of drifting with Connor lately, especially after Elijah had let it drop that their neural wavelengths seemed to be close enough to each other to make it work. Well, it wasn't what he had said, but Gavin knew his brother. He'd been in his head, he understood the way his brother worked most of the time.

But just because he had thought about it, didn't mean that Gavin had ever wanted to let Connor know. That seemed to happen quite a lot around Connor though. Something about him made Gavin want to tell him everything.

"Alright."

Connor didn't look up from his trembling hands as he balled them into fists and relaxed them again, the silver coin resting between his left hand's index finger and thumb. "I'll drift with you."

Like teenagers sneaking out past their curfew, they stumbled down the hallways to the K-science division. Despite how excited he was about this, Gavin kept thinking that he should tell Connor off. They shouldn't drift together, it was an awful idea. There were so many things in his head he didn't want Connor to see. They both had far too many R.A.B.I.T.s they could chase and just giving drifting a go was a horrible idea.

Connor must have known this as well, yet the brunet stayed as silent as Gavin. Neither said a word when they put on the headsets and flipped the switches opening the neural handshake.

* * *

 _"_ _Eli, Eli, have you seen my robot?"_

 _"_ _Not now, Gabby."_

 _"_ _Rich, I want mom and dad back."_

 _"_ _I want to go home too."_

 _"_ _Gabrielle Elisabeth Kamski, you will come back right now or so help me God!"_

 _"_ _Then go suck God's dick! I'll phuck off now! Enjoy the knowledge that you managed to scare off two kids, arsehole! And my name is Gavin!"_

 _"_ _Connor, Richard, I'm very disappointed in you. You promised me you'll work hard, but you failed yet another simulation. If you cannot fulfill that promise, I'll have to send you back to the orphanage."_

 _"_ _We'll do better next time, Amanda. We won't fail again."_

 _"_ _Our mission will be a success."_

 _"_ _Good. Start the simulation again. Prepare for neural handshake in three, two, one…"_

 _"_ _Gavin? Gavin, are you alright, where are you!? Talk to me."_

 _"_ _There- there was a monster- it- it- Eli, I'm scared."_

 _"_ _I'm proud of you two. You have done so well."_

 _"_ _They will kill all of us, won't they? All of San Francisco, Sacramento and Oakland is gone!"_

 _"_ _I'll figure something out, Gav. I always do."_

 _"_ _Penny for your thoughts?"_

 _"_ _Stop throwing your coins at me, Richard. I'm trying to concentrate here."_

 _"_ _This is crazy."_

 _"_ _So you say. Will you try it out with me either way?"_

 _"_ _Her name is Zen Garden. She's one of a kind."_

 _"_ _She's easy to pilot."_

 _"_ _Of course, she is. Now go kill as many Kaiju as you can. Make me proud."_

 _"_ _If one more guy asks me if I could show him where his boss is, I'll punch somebody. I- I'm serious, Elijah! Nobody believes me when I say I run this show!"_

 _"_ _Tough luck, Gavin."_

 _"_ _Is that how you always feel with all that genius up there in your head and nobody believing you?"_

 _"_ _Happy birthday to us! We can legally drink alcohol now."_

 _"_ _Like anybody would give Jaeger pilots alcohol."_

 _"_ _You look like shit."_

 _"_ _Thanks, Tina. Don't you have a copilot to bother?"_

 _"_ _Richard? Richard, where are you, don't leave me alone, Richard-"_

 _"_ _Don't fail the mission, Connor."_

 _"_ _Richard, please, Richard-"_

 _"_ _I'm scared- I don't want to die- Connor, I lo-"_

 _"…_ _Richard?"_

* * *

An hour later they walk back to Mission Control, fingers continuously brushing against each other like a weak imitation of the bond they had built. Already from the outside, Gavin could hear the shouting match going on between Anderson and Fowler. They never did seem to be able to agree on something.

Gavin swiped his ID card across the door opener and entered the room behind Connor. The shouting match between the two highest-ranked men died down the second the two of them had stepped into the room.

Unlike his brother, Gavin had never been a fan of being the center of attention, but this time he could enjoy it. He couldn't wait to see the expression of Anderson's face.

"Connor, where have you been-"

"Zen Garden reporting for duty, Sir," Connor said like the well behaved proper little soldier he was, standing straight and all.

Gavin opted for standing slightly behind Connor, letting the other Ranger take the lead. Despite having worked with Rangers for over a decade now, being one was a whole other story. Besides, this was Connor's moment. He deserved to be the one speaking.

Anderson's attention turned to Gavin now and soon enough surprise and disbelieve flashed over his face.

"You've got to be kidding me, Connor."

But Connor just grabbed Gavin's hand and beamed like he couldn't imagine anything better than marching towards battle with Gavin by his side.

It was oddly comforting.

* * *

Ten years into the Kaiju war and Gavin was still terrified. His breath still hitched every time he saw a Kaiju, he had to force himself to keep moving when all he wanted to do was freeze, close his eyes and pretend the monster wasn't there.

"Zen Garden, prepare for neural handshake starting in three, two, one..."

But he wasn't alone anymore, he didn't have to deal with the fear on his own. When he felt like the weight of his worries was too much, someone else was there to share the burden.

"Neural handshake initiated."

 _Hello, Connor._

* * *

Yes **, Gavin quoted a vine fight me.**  
 **Also, in case it wasn't clear, Connor and Richard were adopted by Amanda specifically because they were drift compatible, which is why fulfilling their mission was such a big deal to them.**  
 **The end is a bit rushed maybe but I wanted this done.**  
 **Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear what you think!**


End file.
